Kids and Temper Tantrums: How to Manage, Survive and Thrive
Being a capable and creative parent will require a deft handling of your children’s temper tantrums, which we can characterise by a dissolution of your kids’ rational reasoning and communication into a chaotic expression and manipulation of one’s environment. This can either be in response to an event or stimuli, or in pursuit of them. Kicking, screaming, whining and wailing, this force of nature can be generated by the little things, no less than the larger issues we face as parents. It could be food, clothing, bathing, bedtime, boundaries and of course, conflict with a sibling, that could turn your generally intelligent, sensitive and meek little Bruce Banner into an abominable gamma-irradiated monster. As a father of five (soon to be seven), I can attest to the damage and disruption a tantrum can wreak upon the living spaces and lives of all around them. Hence, a Wristwatches and Radios Guide to taming a tantrum is essential reading for anyone who faces this formidable likelihood in your neighbourhood.
The strategies aren’t necessarily a set process in a set sequence. You need to use what works with the right kid, at the right time. And once again, none of the strategies tend to be fireproof, requiring the creative application, appraisal and abandonment of a strategy to quickly adopt another. Time is of the essence, and as someone who has thrown fuel on the fire more than once in his life, every one of your reactions and responses can make a difference.
Distraction or Delight
A critical preventative strategy when you can see those gears turning, or the purple pants ripping per se, is to distract and delight. Before a tantrum kicks in to full flight, see what you can do to derail the train before it leaves the station. You can engage them in a purpose or plight beyond their own immediate need to reign in the rising emotion and tap into their natural desire to engage with you and engage with the world around them. Ask them to help you fix something, or bake something, or make something. When their little kettle is about to boil, you need to suddenly remember the board game you haven’t played yet, or the movie you we’re going to watch together. Remind them that you’re heading out to the park and can’t go if they takes too long.
Furthermore, a timely tickle or slapstick distraction can work wonders. I’m not beyond faking an injury if they end up in stitches and can forget about the impending fight with their little brother. Bring laughter and levity to the room, then quickly and quietly address or amend whatever it is that’s building the tension. This takes a swift and creative assessment of the situation and how to respond. Above all else, it takes knowing your kids and how they tick. Sometimes, often, distraction and delight can be your safety valve before the world fall apart. But it isn’t always going to be effective.
Do the Dr Jekyll
The tantrum. Without doubt, we must admit that worst in our kids tends to bring out the worst in us, particularly if it’s all going down in the public eye. First and foremost you need to ensure that you don’t validate the disruption and inability to cope by throwing your own little tantrum. Once again from experience (and in apology to my dear wife and children), it doesn’t help. It doesn’t work. Often we fall into the belief that we can shock a kid out of an outburst if we outcrazy the crazy, but all it does is make things worse. Nobody would try to argue the logic that a kid who’s experiencing some challenging emotions, flailing and fighting, is going to respond well to being afraid or uncertain about their own parents. When they hurl their Mr Hyde, you do your Dr Jekyll. Keep it cool, calm and collected, and do it long term. Your kids need to understand that when it goes down, there’s always going to be an adult in the room.
Low Voices at Low Velocity
Lets be clear that the way you speak to your kids during a tantrum is utterly critical. Avoid the temptation to raise your voice or rattle off a diatribe about how disappointed you are. There’s a time and a place. During the tantrum, is not that time and place. When you engage with your kid, keep it slow, low, cool and calm. Once again, you’re demonstrating that you’re coping, you’re capable and you’re in control. The last thing you want to do is reinforce the idea that the tantrum is an effective means of moving you and manipulating an outcome. An emotive response will only prove that their provocation is an effective and worth replicating, whether it be for chocolate or an extra ten minutes of screen time. Speak calmly and speak slowly.
Altitude and Attitude
The voice is cool, calm and collected, and you want to ensure that your take any sense of domination and coercion out of the picture. Chances are you aren’t going to fight this kid out of their outburst, so ensure that you adjust your altitude and attitude. Don’t refrain from kneeling, sitting, or crouching to get yourself at eye level and establish a sense of presence and trust. The narrative needs to be that whatever this kid is feeling, however challenging it is, you’re there, willing and able to help out. You’re not there to feud, fuss and flail, but reach an outcome that is in everyone’s best interests, whether they like it or not.
Polish the Mirror
As quickly as possible, establish the fact that you understand what the outburst is about. You understand the trigger or the target, reducing the need for such an expression of hopelessness and malaise. Reflective listening is a useful way of establishing your understanding of both their intention and their emotional state: ‘So you’re saying that it isn’t fair that Storm gets to lead her own team.’ Make your observations quietly and clearly: ‘It looks like you’re pretty angry that Cyclops and Jean are getting married.’ The kid needs to get that you understanding, sometimes reducing the purpose or relevance of the tantrum. The crux of the narrative is that ‘you’ve made your case, but this isn’t the means to achieve your ends.’
Manage the Environment
This is a simple strategy of removing objects or items of furniture that can become fodder in an outburst. Those without children may consider this step a little extreme at first glance, but if you’ve ever seen a two year old in full flight, you’ll know that the plate of food or cup of water is going to become a weapon of choice when it’s all going down. We’re not talking about logical, rational, adult beings who realise ‘If I throw my peanut butter sandwich across the room, I’ll need to make another one.’ We’re talking about children in the heat of an outburst intended to express intense emotion, or achieve a desired outcome. Just because the tantrum is in some way strategic, doesn’t make their emotional state any more stable. So ensure to quietly and calmly remove projectiles and fragile objects, including siblings, who often love the opportunity to poke a bear and see what happens - only at the worst of times.
Be Bloody, Bold and Resolute
If you’ve capably kept your cool, managed the environment and established you presence and purpose, you want to quickly get to the heart of the matter and deal with whatever it is that’s upset your child. Now a critical element of this is to be Bloody, Bold and Resolute. You need to understand the trigger. You need to do all you can to comfort and calm your child. But you are not to reinforce the behaviour as an effective strategy to get their way. Whether it’s about food, or fun, or the fate of the free world, your children need to understand that it isn’t vitriol and violence that will secure their ends. If there is a reasonable outcome or resolution that you can negotiate, work towards that end, but do not capitulate to the outburst. If they want it, they’re going to need to calm down and communicate appropriately - to the best of their ability.
It’s important here to establish that a reasonable request, will always be considered. We’re all civilised, rational and capable human beings, but more than that, we’re family. You want them to know that you’re always going to hear them out and consider their needs, interests and desires. But you’ll only ever consider them when calm, polite, respectful discourse is at the heart of it. Do not submit to demands whilst the behaviour is still destructive or dismissive. You’re only setting yourself up for more of the same.
Keep in mind that this point isn’t about an injured kid. For heaven’s sake, if they’re hurt, or scared, or unsure of the world around them. Love them and let them know you love them. When we say we don’t negotiate we’re talking about healthy, intact, intelligent and emotional little person that is attempting to manipulate their environment through sound and fury. Keep the resolution clear and achievable: ‘When you stop trashing the danger room and talk to me about what you’d like to do, we can see if we have time for it.’ It’s important to frame the tantrum or outburst as the blocker to achieving a desired goal. Your child needs to understand the behaviour as an impediment, rather than a viable implement.
Reparation
A critical stage in it all is the reparation. Give them the insight, the logic the reason. Give them the calm and understanding adult that demonstrates how ineffective and unwelcome violence and coercion is in the family home. Help them see that you understand, but you will establish boundaries, norms and habits to protect and defend them and their wellbeing, whether they like it or not. But importantly, be there to dust them off and take the next step in their day. Propose some task or time together that will reinforce just how important we all are to each other, and that the love shared in this household is unconditional. Return to joy, return to play, return to normalcy. You need to reset the barometer and get them smiling as quickly as possible, and move one without delay. So don’t drag it out, don’t return to the argument, don’t expect a lengthy apology. They’re kids. We’re not.
The Caveat
Sometimes, sadly, it’s all going to go down and there’s nothing you can do about it. Often, you’ll spot Godzilla in the distance, and you’ll be tempted to tear through the streets, screaming, pointing and waving madly. But you won’t. As a family, you ride it out as best you can. You bring your presence and patience to it. You minimise damage and resentment. You capably work together to meet shared goals. You live with a spirit of romance and delight, every day, in every way you can. But sometimes, we need to accept that the kid’s wiring just needs to get through this hitch. Ride it out. Be there with them, always. And never look back.
Gaetano Carcarello is a Discalced Carmelite, father of seven, and a teacher. He’s enamoured of music, smitten with silence and in love with the written word.
He creates custom made novel pages based on pivotal moments in people’s lives at Page 83; tweets as @gcarcarello; and blogs about Fatherhood, Fidelity, Culture and Creativity here at Wristwatches and Radios.