The Real Romantics - Parenting, Life, Love and Meaning
The notion of romance is an interesting and convoluted one. We typically associate the notion with impressive or extravagant acts of affection or material generosity. Bunches of flowers, boxes of chocolates, expensive perfume or jewellery? All of them are typical trappings of what we’d define as acts of romanticism (in the modern bastardisation of the term, rather than the literary movement epitomised by Keats, Blake and their ilk), although in reality, they barely suffice when it comes to the elevation of our experiences and relationships in an authentic expression of affection, passion and awe.
Ultramarathon runner Dean Karnazes is famous for the notion that 'Somewhere along the line we seem to have confused comfort with happiness.’ The same can be said for the means by which we try to experience and validate our notions of love and romance. When your marriage shift gears to find its fullest expression in having children of your own, there is a cultural cynicism that asserts that the best years are perhaps behind you. It is of course, utter nonsense.
One could more accurately state that the easiest years are behind you, but they will be far from the best. There was be incredibly difficult times ahead of you. We’re often surprised by just how difficult, as so few people seem to really talk about how confronting and debilitating parenting can actually be. The delirium of sleepless nights are just the beginning, compared to the erratic outbursts, violent tantrums and unbending, irrational demands. And that’s just you and your spouse; the kids are another story.
In this tumultuous upheaval lies the birth of what we call the real romantics. The real romantics are the men and women, the fathers and mothers, who face it all with a sense of awe, grace, good humour and spontaneity. It is so sickeningly easy to become bitter, angry and disillusioned by the challenges we face as parents. We can be completely and utterly taxed to our limits: emotionally, physically and spiritually.
There will be points in it all where you truly question whether or not you can go on the way you have been. This often spurs periods of introspection and reflection, moments and processes that need to be shared as a couple if you’re going to have a chance in hell of making it. Sometimes, you’ll make changes. Other times, you’ll realise that there’s little that you can change, but you need to grit your teeth and get through it, one day at a time. In the words of Winston Churchill: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
This is where the real romantics cut their teeth. Real romantics are those of us that engage in hand to hand combat with moths, just to entertain the tiny masses. Real romantics know how to build a hardcore bed sheet fort. Real romantics have memorised every beautiful line of ‘Hippos Go Berserk.’ Real romantics can change almost any nappy using only one wipe. Real romantics can take a flight of stairs with a toddler in each arm and an eight year old securing herself with a Gracie style choke hold. Real romantics can feed a family of nine with three cobs of corn, half a jar of peanut butter and three rice cakes. Real romantics can turn any car trip into inter-dimensional travel. Real romantics can defuse a tantrum with nothing but a toothpick, a sharpie and an old sock. Real romantics are there to tuck their kids in every night. Real romantics actually relish the company of their children.
Real romantics know what matters. They know what doesn’t matter. They know that in the end, your kids will remember you at your worst, as much as they’ll remember you at your best. Yes there will be moments, days, months perhaps, that you’ll lose your way. Sometimes a certain darkness, or an emptiness, will find you and take hold, drawing everything you thought you needed to make it through and make it work. You may be distracted, detached, broken, beleaguered. You may walk away from your art, your discipline, your love for all things beautiful and true.
But a real romantic always returns to their true north. Surround yourself with the lovers, the fighters, the poets and the passionate. Surround yourself with the Real Romantics, who bring their artistry, their levity, their faith, their joyous abandonment to being a husband, being a father. Surround yourself with them, take notes, take heed and take charge. The critical nature of family, of community, cannot ever be exaggerated and you can never let it be taken away.
Be impassioned. Be joyous. Live in the service of those you love.
Be a Real Romantic.